So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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