dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
