i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
