We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
