I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
