Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
