I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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