im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
