I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
A+ Viking dick
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
