woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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