Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
