Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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