Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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