and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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