my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
