some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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