I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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