The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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