Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
