also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
