If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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