Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
