He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
she pinky promised me she was 18
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
porn star boner night. come get it.
We left an ass print on the piano.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
