so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
