Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Let's get the cat blown out
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
