Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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