yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
