This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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