We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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