I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
