Please, let me fuck your mom
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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