We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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