I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
