you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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