I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize