so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
