My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
