If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
