Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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