According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
we're making bets on your personal life
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
