i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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