her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
