I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
