He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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