Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
