Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
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