I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
