I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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