my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
