Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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