your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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