cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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