Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have feelings that need drinking.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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