Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
