You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
