so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
